Chronic illnesses like fibromyalgia (FMS) and chronic fatigue syndrome (CFS or ME/CFS) can really set us apart socially. When we are able to be around other people, we’re presented with some potentially awkward situations. One of the ones we’re sure to face in just about any social setting is the dreaded question, “How are you?”
When someone asks me that question, my poor foggy brain has to quickly evaluate several things:
- How well do I know this person? (To determine the level of honesty & detail.)
- How sincere is the question? (Does this person know I’m sick & want an update, or is it just standard small talk?)
- How can I answer honestly & appropriately without making things awkward? (Healthy people don’t want to hear about illness — it makes them uncomfortable, and it can also make us look like whiners. On the other hand, I don’t want to lie!)
That’s a lot for my brain to deal with in short order, so I’ve come up with some prepared responses that work well for me. None of them is particularly profound, but they fulfill the social requirements of an answer that doesn’t dwell on illness, without making me feel dishonest for saying, “I’m great!” I generally say these kinds of things:
- “Not too bad.” (If that’s true.)
- “Hanging in there.”
- “I’ve been worse!”
- “Oh you know, just being me.”
- “Enjoying life on the roller coaster.”
With those answers, people who don’t know (or care, or have forgotten) about my illness aren’t confronted with it, I don’t feel like a liar, and I don’t give the false impression that everything’s peachy. People who know me well enough to know about my health problems also know I have a sense of humor about it, so I can deliver one of my phrases with a half smile and they get it.
The less comfortable we are with our health problems the harder it is to answer these kinds of questions. I’ve been able to reach a place where my FMS (and its companions) are just a part of me and my life — my name’s Adrienne, I’m a mom, I’m short, my eyes are hazel, I have fibromyalgia. When I treat it casually (and sometimes with a bit of self-deprecating humor), it seems to help other people become comfortable with it.
However, I know it’s a hard place to get, especially when illness is new to you or when you’ve had people around you question whether you’re really sick. For that reason, when I’m talking socially to someone with a health problem, I don’t ask, “How are you?” Instead, I’ll say something like, “It’s good to see you.” If I do truly want to find out how they’re doing, I’ll be specific so they know I’m interested in their problem — “Have you been feeling better?” or “Are you doing OK with _____?” It works with people going through other difficult times as well — I recently was around the friend of a friend who’d just lost his wife. I saw several people greet him with a cheery, “Hey, how ya’ doing?” and saw him pause and try not answer. When I said, “Hi, I’m glad you could make it,” he looked really grateful.
How do you answer “How are you?” What goes through your mind when someone asks you that? What awkward experiences have you had? Do you have a standard way of answering? Leave your comment below!
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Responses to “How Are You?” With Fibromyalgia & Chronic Fatigue Syndrome originally appeared on About.com Fibromyalgia & Chronic Fatigue Syndrome on Saturday, November 28th, 2009 at 06:00:33.
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